Death of a loved one can never be easy. Each one goes through this process differently but whatever be the case, the pain is always there. Some hide it, some show it. Some cry when someone is around, some cry when they are alone. And if you have lost someone before you even understand what death is, then it a lot harder than you think. Losing a loved one brings pain, but sometimes the pain only grows. I was just 9 when I lost my Dad. He died of cancer. I had seen him suffer for almost a year right in front of my eyes, but then I never thought he would be gone. I had never seen a death in the family before Dad passed away and for a while I couldn’t understand what it meant. I knew that Daddy was gone but I still couldn’t accept that I couldn’t see him again, that I couldn’t hug him when he came back from work, that he wouldn’t bring me any gifts and chocolates. It took time, a lot of time to understand and accept this. Writing this was long due, but I never brought myself to it until today. And I write this because it helps me! So here are few things that you realize when you have lost a loved one.
1. Death is certain
No matter how untimely the death, but someday or the other one has to die. Some die young, some die old. Some die peacefully, some suffer a painful death. But all of us have a definite end. The acceptance of this fact will go a long way in helping you heal. As a child, death was more like an idea, something that you couldn’t point out and say this is death. The fairy tales always told me happily ever after, it was the villains who were eliminated. But my Daddy was my hero, how could he then die? It was only after growing up a little, that I realized the reality of death.
2.There are times you will question why
Why did this happen to me? Why did he/she have to leave me? Why he/she? What went wrong? These questions will keep eating you up. I kept asking myself why did Daddy have to leave me? Was I bad girl? Was I good enough daughter? I was constantly thinking about this. The questions will always continue!
3. It is okay to cry
Crying is not a sign of weakness. It always to let those tears flow. I did cry for a few days immediately after Dad’s death, but after that I didn’t want to cry when anyone was around. I had to be strong girl. But what I did not realize then was that crying would not make me weak in any way. Holding back those tears would wreck me emotionally.
4.The best way to ease your pain is to talk about it
Coping with pain alone is difficult. The best think that you can do is to talk to someone about it. Not talking about something does not make it not real. If not you, someone else will talk about it sometime or the other and then it definitely will hurt you more. So talk about how you feel, what hurts you the most. Find someone you can trust and just pour your heart out. After Dad’s death, I didn’t speak to anyone about it. I wouldn’t speak to mom because I thought reminding her of Dad would hurt her. I wouldn’t speak to my friends because I wasn’t sure that they would understand. I didn’t talk to my teachers because I wanted to be that strong and intelligent girl, not someone who would go to them and tell her list of problems. But that didn’t help me in anyway. I used to get upset for no reason, I used to get angry for no reason, all because I thought no one understood how I felt.
5.There will be days, bad days
The pain of losing a loved one is not something that will go away in a couple of days. There will be bad days that follow. It is okay to be vulnerable. But what is not okay, is to give up!
6. Time indeed is a healer
Pain doesn’t vanish within a day or two. Give it some time. Time will heal the wound slowly. How fast it heals all depends on you. Time may not heal the scars. The scars still remain. And sometimes when you look at those scars, the pain comes back. It does not need a reason. It just happens. There are so many times when I have been doing something random and suddenly the thought of Dad crosses my mind. It hurts. Even after 14 long years, it still hurts.
7.Doing what you love helps
May be listening or playing music your way of calming your nerves? Or do you like playing a sport? Do what you love to do. It may not take away the pain completely but it helps you deal with it. I used to read, read and read. And gradually I started writing. And I was hooked to writing and that is how I slowly began the blog.
8.Slowly, you will be happy
Gradually you will accept the reality and slowly you will begin to live your life to the fullest. Remember, your loved ones would never want to see you sad. As life goes on, you will find various reasons to be happy and that is good.
9.And on your big days, you wish they were with you
Be it on the day you get your first job, when you graduate, when you are getting married, when you get that big promotion, you wish they were here by your side. And that is perfectly normal. But all you need to tell yourself is that they are happy and proud of you no matter where they are. I missed Dad badly during my graduation. I just wished he could see his little girl becoming an engineer!
10.You will remember all the memories you made and you learn to value the people in your life
All those happy memories, all those fun filled times will all keep coming back to you. You will cherish these memories. And you will try living in the moment and enjoy every moment that you get with the people who matter to you. Because no one lives forever, except in memories.
This post is very close to my heart. I hope it helps others too!
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